Thoughts of a Sprite

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

It Starts!

Well, I had a wonderful trip! Saw how a normal family functions, and even normal families have aggravations! This did make me realize that I value our relationship in some ways. I can generally talk to her about anything, I think because we never had that "go to your room" stage, as I didn't live with her, that we were able to become friends. But it also made me wish for the security of a "normal family" if there really is such a thing. I would trade aggravations for disfunctional ANYDAY! I think in my heart of hearts this is why I steer clear of relationships, I mean yeah partially it is due to men being, in general, all around dicks, but mostly I fear attachment, and I have a serious trust issue. (SERIOUS) I mean if you are put through it from childhood on, by those that are supposed to love you the most, you would too!

Well I got my part time job, I am keeping it on the down low at work, bartending at a bowling alley is not a bad job, but people @ work have way too much time to stir shit up, so I am just leaving it out of the conversation. Mom is throwing a fit, says I am going to get burnt out, grandparents are throwing a fit, because they have a opinion about everything, and a negative one about bowling alleys. The hours are right though. Monday nights 1730 -2130, and Saturdays. Can't beat it, and it pays minimum wage plus tips. With a full time job, and a school schedule to work around, I couldn't have lucked out better. I will view this as good fortune even if those around me do not. At least no on can call me lazy!

Got home last night after my interview, and purchasing my books, to a hot cooked meal (very good.) First time in a while that has happened. I could tell, when I called to let her know I was enroute, that she had had a couple of beers though. I know when she drinks, by how she talks. She didn't admit it, and I didn't ask. But after dinner she was ornery, like going through withdraws, and just out and out mean. I couldn't even watch TV with her. She started going off about how Mema is positively gleeful that I am moving, because I can't stand living with her... (the general vicitmization act, why are you doing this to me type thing) blah blah blah. I know my mother and she was stabbing in the dark. Then she tried to tell me that my cousin doesn't even want to move, that he is only doing it for me. If there is an ounce of truth in that he better come forward, but again I think she was trying to hurt my feelings. Then she said that his mother doesn't want him to move, and I snapped. I said of course not, no mother wants to cut the apron strings, but his mother does support his adult decisions, and respects his wishes, and even offered to help. I then advised her that you can't pick and choose when to be a mother it is either a full time thing, or nothing. But it never has been a full time thing for her, and I think the best that I can hope for now is to salvage a friendship out of the deal. We were crazy to think we could just have a mother/ daughter relationship after all that happened anyways. But I wanted so badly to believe, that I could pick up the pieces of a broken life and fit them back together. I wanted normalcy. I wanted a family I could be proud of, rather than try to get away from.

She told me when I first moved in with her, that she would always be there, no matter what, and the first time I choose to do something not on her approved list, she backs out in full speed reverse. Story of my life. Well I have never had a mother anyways, so this is nothing new, I must have been living with my head in the clouds to actually think that she could change.

I really want to please people, and I try to live a good life. I wish with all my heart that I could have a mother that didn't have an addictive personality, and a father that didn't have an abusive mean streak! I went from awful to bad, to worse. I need to start living my life for me. My mother never lived her life for me, so why should she expect me to live my life for her. Point in fact, I told her a year ago if things did not change drastically that I was moving out. Things have not changed. I know that it is her job to try to convince me to stay. And I even understand why she wants me there, and that five year old inside, the one that never got to be a child, wants to stay and be cared for... Wants to believe in the fairytale! But that is not how it works, and four, almost five years of living with her proves that, and crushes what little hope that five yearold has. I can see that these next four months are going to be rough!

On a more positive note, my class starts tonight. Trigonometry (did I even spell it right?) I am terrible at math, so this should prove to be a difficult class, but I like the teacher I got, so hopefully that will make up for the subject matter. If I make enough money at my part time job, I am going to pay for a member ship to a fitness center with a pool. It would be nice to start swimming again. And it would get me out of the house more, and give me a place to go if I need an out. (it is open 24 hours a day!)

I got to see Niagara falls last week, at night and during the day. If you have any love for water at all, I highly recommend putting this on your todo list! MY GOD, the awesome power and beauty of this place. At night it is all lit up, and just absolutely breath taking. While during the day you just have to be impressed with God's handy work! I could really imagine that the world was flat, and that Niagara was the end... LOL! We got some awesome shots of it! I will post some at a later date! I also crossed over into Canada, (about four or five miles on foot) (and after tumbling down the side of a mountain, while chasing my Kayak, I was pretty sore) Walking proved to be hard, but the sights were so completely worth it!

I am so glad that Larry invited me. It was nice to have a vacation, and with a family, that for the most part functions with out problem. Every one has their own idiosyncrasies, mine being that I get extremely edgy when I haven't eaten... Perhaps I am hypo glycemic? I dunno, his mom's is that she has an answer for everything, a "know it all" if you will. In anon mean way though, she is never rude or condescending, but will never admit that she is wrong. His father, whom I just love, is crazy about his wife, positively worships her! He is also a card... Bowling was interesting, let me tell you! His goofiness disappeared at the first sign of trouble though ( he resized us from Chitanango Creek) the dependable, solid, capable man came out, that every one knows is there, even though he tries to conceal it by acting like a goof sometimes! They both seemed to just go along with what ever my cousin wanted. His father was all about getting him (us) on film at Niagara, and kayaking. You got the feeling that he really put his wife and kids first.

I think all women, no matter how much they say they don't (usually for security reasons) just want to be in a stable loving relationship, and eventually have children. In my heart I am a hopeless romantic, I cry during Titanic, I long to be held, but I have a tough outer shell. I really want to have a family, children to love and raise. I want to be the parent I never had, I will strive to do the best in my life now, so that I can provide them with the best for their lives. They are why I try so hard in school, they are why I don't just give up this job, and go back to serving, where I actually made some money... They are already the reason I stay the course, and they aren't even born yet. I don't want to be over protective, or smothering... ( I think this is why my mother turned out they way she did) I just want to be supportive, provide the strength and guidance, support and security, and unconditional LOVE, that every child deserves.

God this was an emotional piece! You might think I am on the rag, not so... Or you might think that I have gone over the edge... Possible but not likely... I just needed to sort through it all. I hope that the next four months doesn't go like last night. I pray that God brings his will through me, and I make the right decisions. I Pray that I do good in Trig, I pray that my mother really does quit drinking. I pray that I made the right choice in accepting the job at the bowling alley. I pray that my mom finds strands in my love, and realizes that I am not doing this to hurt her. I thank God that I have a true friend, He knows who he is, to share the trials and tribulations with. I pray...

shes_a_sprite @ 9:42 AM.

1 comments

Rachel said...

Emotion is always good and I live by my words, "allow emotion to bleed" I am happy for you dear, it seems that you are preparing to begin flight and for this I am happy, for this I smile. Cheers to you. ;)

12:42 AM